why

do i have so much freaking accounts....
http://ashbopop.tumblr.com/

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

thanks luis for always being there for me and making me open my eyes. I don't agree with everything your saying thou.

Anyways.. life could be better

Been awhile

(05/08/10-05/09/10) ANTONE's birthday night was awesome! More pics of that night but I love our relationship more!!

A lot has happen since my last post, my birthday, antone's birthday, and just letting go.
I passed all my classes THANK GOODNESS!!! and I am ready for Summer! Actually, my summer already started and so far so bad ass.
That's all for now....

ps. i just wanted to be there for you. but your making me hate you, a feeling i thought i would never have....

I HATE YOU

but i some how am forgiving you. its not you. its the other person you created.

I hope

that me hanging out with your friends doesnt make you dislike me. i love your friends. i love that they bring me into their lives. I love that they told me they want me around more.

I wish sometimes you didnt ignore me. i wish sometimes you let me in again. what did i do wrong. I have a clue but i dont want to face it.
I miss you. I miss your friendship. The fact that your almost nothing to me makes me sick.

Seeing old friends makes me the most happiest person alive. Esp. those old friends that i care for.

In order for me to start my new beginning I must be the one to make the changes first.

things are looking up for me.
I have made new friends. Which I dont think they're enough thank yous to tell God.
Life is pretty awesome right now.
Minus...eh...

Everything is smooth. I feel like I can breath again.
I will be turning 21 in 24 days 8). I am just really excited to go to Houston and visit my family.

My grandma and grandpa are super excited. My grandpa has not been feeling so well. I think we all just need time to get out of corpus. Houston is not the topping to my cake I rather be in Austin, but I need to stay connected with the little family I have. <3

that is all.

ooo ps.
I am proud to say that Seth is looking good. I mean compare from when I saw him in Austin, he is looking great. I hope he comes out of this. :( I can almost feel him trying to yell out. His friends and family are strong and he is strong.

THIEVES

"There’s thieves among us, painting the wall With all kinds of lies, the lies I never told at all What’s in my pocket? You never knew You didn’t know me well, so well as I knew you …And I know, and you know too That love like ours is terrible news But that won’t stop me crying No, that won’t stop me crying over you I’m not a prophet, old love is in me New love just seeps right in, and makes me guilty Why do you look like that? It’s not all that bad I’ll see you sometime, sometimes lonely isn’t sad …And I know, and you know too That love like ours is terrible news But that won’t stop me crying That won’t stop me crying over you No, that won’t stop me crying over you We two are makers, just made this mess Two broken hearts don’t break any less There’s thieves among us, painting the walls With all kinds of lies, the lies I never told at all …And I know, and you know too That love like ours is terrible news But that won’t stop me crying That won’t stop me crying over you No, that won’t stop me crying over you "

im

living

no title..

I went kind of shopping today. This might sound dumb but I dont know how else to put it. I think I might of stumble into some new fashion. haha at least for me.

I went over to his house yesterday. I dropped off an article that he wanted, Arizona tea, 3 boxes of sour patch kids, hand sanitizer, chap stick, and a note.
The note kind included a closure. I really do not want to talk about it. I just want to cry every time I think about it. I hate this. blah.

Why do I feel like I need to be alone? Why do I put Anthony through such bullshit? I try breaking up with him, but i end up hurting myself. This person inside tells me not to do it. Anthony is something real and I shouldn't let him go. But I am such a bad person to him. blah

My voice is starting to reappear again. Thank goodness. I hate being sick. who loves being sick eh?

I hope I am doing the right thing!
That is all.

I hate these restless nights...

I wish I wasn't afraid to make my own decisions without their being any consequences. I wish that I was able to say I needed some time for myself without there being a threat.....

I am ready to make a few changes in my life
I am ready to face the bad and the good outcomes

I feel like shit! I have lost my voice I can hardly talk, and this dumbass boss of mine still made me come to work!
I am totally useless. My job is dealing and talking with people and how the hell am I suppose to do my job.

I love austin. I feel like home there. I need to be there. I can't wait till I move there.
I wish I didn't have to come back to this shitty town filled with bro dudes and fakes. FTW! or corpus...

perfect

"I would say I'm sorry
If I thought that it would change your mind
But I know that this time
I have said too much
Been too unkind

I try to laugh about it
Cover it all up with lies
I try and laugh about it
Hiding the tears in my eyes
Because boys don't cry
Boys don't cry

I would break down at your feet
And beg forgiveness
Plead with you
But I know that it's too late
And now there's nothing I can do

So I try to laugh about it
Cover it all up with lies
I try to laugh about it
Hiding the tears in my eyes
Because boys don't cry

I would tell you
That I loved you
If I thought that you would stay
But I know that it's no use
That you've already
Gone away

Misjudged your limit
Pushed you too far
Took you for granted
I thought that you needed me more

Now I would do most anything
To get you back by my side
But I just keep on laughing
Hiding the tears in my eyes
Because boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
Boys don't cry"

"The Air"

Started my day off feeling a little bit nauseated. Damn you cranberry vodka..
Work wasn't that bad compared to yesterday. I was yelled at and I also had to do some cracking down on my peps. I stayed till 5.
Work isn't on my mind I don't know why I am even talking about that place...

I have decided to keep my distance from him. A person cannot make a huge change on another mind. It just doesn't work that way. I can stay positive maybe praise him for what an awesome person he is and all his talents he is capable of doing. But, I cant tell him what direction to take.
This whole situation makes me sad, makes me have bad thoughts, makes me loose sleep.
His very good friend, let me know that times will be rough, yet they will be ok. To hear that from his close friend makes me happy. His friend is wonderful. He knows the real him he sees what I see. It makes me content, that I have people like him in my life and in his. I am crying thinking about this....

In other life news...
I never give Anthony the appreciation he deserves. I love him so much for being here for me. I hate that I sometimes get afraid to tell him what is going on in my mind. I just always been the person to keep things to myself. He is wonderful. I cannot wait till Friday. A little get away is what we need. I ran into my friends last night. They said they will give me a call on Friday so we can all hang out.


Ps. if you so happen to stumble into my blog. Please read. I made this blog for me. If I made it for me, why did I post it on my profile that anyone with wondering eyes can stumble on it.. well I am me. I am tired of having thoughts stuck in my mind. I want to be able to express myself and let the world, my friends, my family know the real me.. sort of speak.
vibe on...

My Day...

went just like I thought it would. My day consists of:
1. waking up to him <3
2. cleaning
3. laughing
4. drawing
5. writing
6. photographs
7. planning
8. running

Today was a very great day! I am so glad I had today off!

At the dinner table we came to an agreement!
FOR MY BIRTHDAY THE FAMILY AND I ARE GOING TO HOUSTON!!!! yay
I am so excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My grandma said no boyfriends thou! hahah o well I need some family fun anyways!
I am so stoked!

<3

My old friend Chris found me on m space. :) Good friend. We exchange numbers but I highly doubt we hang out. We have changed over the years. I can only imagine how awkward a real conversation would be. But it's good to hear from old friends. Esp. those from middle school.

Antone and I are going to Austin this coming weekend. I really wanted to stay for the weekend. But my job is a bitch and only let me have Friday off. *sadface*


I have a million thoughts floating around my head.
That is all.!

"WE YOU STILL LOVE ME TOMORROW"

"Tonight you're mine completely
You give you love so sweetly
Tonight the light of love is in your eyes
But will you love me tomorrow?

Is this a lasting treasure
Or just a moment's pleasure?
Can I believe the magic of your sighs?
Will you still love me tomorrow?

Tonight with words unspoken
You say that I'm the only one
But will my heart be broken
When the night meets the morning sun?

I'd like to know that your love
Is love I can be sure of
So tell me now, and I won't ask again
Will you still love me tomorrow?


So tell me now, and I won't ask again
Will you still love me tomorrow?
Will you still love me tomorrow?
Will you still love me tomorrow?"

no title

I struggle so hard to find who I am?
I think I realize who I am not....
I am not: materialistic
I am not: a good speller
I am not: a perfect other half
I am not: center of attention
I am not: outgoing
I am not: a person who has to focus on being known!


Today I picked up a notebook, any notebook I found laying around, and I wrote. I wrote for an hour or two. I am not going to look back and read what I wrote. But it felt good to write. Why did I stop listening to the world? Why did I stop paying attention to what surrounds me?
Tomorrow I am going to pick up that sketch book I keep eye balling, find a get away spot, and draw. maybe I will take photographs while I am at it.

On a different note, this week's music has consists of old old Cure,Joy Division,and New Order. I think I might spend a couple of hours looking for new music. I haven't done that either.

I am so glad that it is spring break. I rather spend it catching up with myself than being out and doing things I rather save my money on.

Austin Friday!

when I said time will tell...

I already hear it..

antone and I had a spear of a moment movie night. Those are always fun. We saw "Remember Me". To my surprise and antone's, it was a brilliant movie. I really liked it. The ending was defintley not expected.

work was smooth today, minus stupid guest. Again I love who I work with.

antone, you make me smile:)

today I cried. I hadn't seen my dad is such a long time....
If only things could be better.

I find it difficult to separate myself from him. I can't he's my dad and will always be my dad no matter what.
blah
I've said this before I'll say it again.. I need to get out of here..

'Lets goo, Times a wastn'

Woke up this morning made it on time to school. Actually paid attention to what my geology teacher was trying to teach. The world...the Earth is interesting.
Went to my govt. class nothing new the teacher is out of his mind and I still haven't learn nothing, but I still managed to get a A on my test. BALLS YEA!

eh, I wish I could feel like I am living. sometimes..
Now I feel like I can't share nothing between myself without there being a problem. When I'm I going to be able to speak my mind freely without being singled out.

<3... time will tell

I AM

ONLY HUMAN


Why should I hide the way I feel?
Is it wrong to feel the way I do on certain days?
Don't you want the real me.
I'm only human.

If having deep thoughts and expressing myself is a crime why am I alive?
Some days I'm hot some days I'm warm
I write how I feel
I'm only human

Is it wrong for me to be scared sometimes
Is it wrong for me to have opinions on our future
Is it wrong for me to care
I'm only human

Sleep

I am finally caught up with my sleep. It took me a day and a half. But I am finally refreshed. I wished I lived in Austin already.
(To tell you the truth, I don't think I want you to go with me...)

I think I might pick up a pencil and sketch book and start drawing again. I don't know why I stopped. I think it is good for people to draw sometimes. Even if its just stick figures. Just like reading is good for the mind drawing is good for the soul.

Work is actually going good. I am nervous and anxious about hiring new people. I hate when we have a bond already at the front desk and then all of a sudden we hire someone. I honestly like every single person I work with. No one at work is the same. I love it.

I want to be able to hang out with him without having antone worry about anything...
Maybe I should just stay away. Besides my family, my close 5 friends, and antone, I care about him a lot. I care about him and his mother a lot. I know he doesn't need a babysitter he is strong minded I know he is. But I just want to be there for him.
The whole situation is playing mind tricks on me. I hope this doesn't end up bad. There I said it.....

Love of mine...

Well staying out late and having fun was much needed. I'm glad I got to hang out with old friends.

I feel this week is going to be better. I plan on getting a lot of tasks accomplished. I've been listening to a lot of death cab and cold play lately. That music just makes me feel loved and happy.
I'm glad I am open to music. I'm glad that their is music out there that really enlightens my mind and heart.
My birthday is coming up soon. I think instead of me doing something wild and crazy haha for my 21st birthday. I rather spend it with my family. I told my grandma I wanted us to go to Houston and visit my uncle. Mom and her both seem excited.. so we'll see.

This week has been crazy. Started off laughing then crying, and ended up me saying I love you to everyone. haha O well.

"slowly but surely your letting me in again..."

all I want...

stability,my own garden, and a place to call home...

today is a good day

"We're not the same, dear,
And it seems to me
There's nowhere we can go
With nothing underneath.
And it saddens me to say
But we both know, well, it's true
That the ice was getting thinner
Under me and you.
The ice was getting thinner
Under me and you."

one last march 2 post

Before this night ends, I spent my time at work researching the hows and whys? No need to explain on what. I feel like I understand more now. I don't understand why they do it or what possessed their bright minds to do it. But I feel like I have a better understanding.

What if I had the power to control what influences me? What if I had the power to throw negative thoughts away from my head.
It worries me yet makes no sense that bad thoughts in my head gets the best of me. People grow by being happy. So why do I have to challenge the ugly before I reached the good.

So many thoughts are going through my head right now. I guess I'm letting the silence get the best of me.

I love you,
I am here for you,
no matter what....

that is all

The Perfect Kiss

I stood there beside myself
Thinking hard about the weather
Then came by a friend of mine
Suggested we go out together
Then I knew it from the start
This friend of mine would fall apart
Pretending not to see his gun
I said let's go out and have some fun

I know you know
We believe in a land of love
I know you know
We believe in a land of love

I have always thought about
Staying here and going out
Tonight I should have stayed at home
Playing with my pleasure zone
He has always been so strange
I'd often thought he was deranged
Pretending not to see his gun
I said let's go out and have some fun

I know you know
We believe in a land of love
I know you know
We believe in a land of love

This post is not meant for you my love <3

SPK

Life is quit interesting.
I find it wonderful when my friends from middle school find me on the Internet. When I was in middle school everyone got along. No matter what they were into. It blows my mind away where life takes us.
Some people are married.
others have kids.
Some guys turned into girls.. literally. While others well, ended up in jail.
Growing up life was just too easy. I mean all the worries that I face now where not in my mind.
I didn't care about bills, I didn't care if I received a good education, never once did it occur in my mind that the people I talked too then would grow up making bad decisions or that person will end up having kids. It blows my mind.
I think to much on life and it creeps me out. Why can't I just let it be.
ha O well, maybe that's just what I like doing.

The reason for this topic...
My parents are going through a divorce. I don't even want to get started there. Today my mother and I had to go to the storage and get all our stuff out. I found so many pictures, letters,etc. I went through so much letters. hahah boys were so funny and my best friends that I had 6 years ago are still my best friends now.
haha We looked so young and so carefree..
I also found letters that I need to share with those that wrote them to me. I think it would be a good laugh.

haha one memory I must mention, one year for my favorites dance, hancio was my date. For some reason he was always a sleep. I think that night he was just super sleepy or super sick.. well I found the flowers he gave me that night. aww. I text him so he can recall that moment. He text me back and said he was so nervous that night. hahaha awww.

that is all
xoxo

2:25am

I can't sleep.
It might be cause my head is filled with so many thoughts yet, they are all tied to one person.

Why do I hide so much? Why do I put on this show for people?
People see one person.. but who am I really?
Am I just a "normal" person that can hide their feelings well. Or am I just caught up with worries about other people's life that I can't even built the strength to speak my mind.

It's not that I am having problems with myself. I love where I am at right now. Every goal I have ever made has been accomplished. I think I am starting to catch up with reality.. I can no longer depend on no one else... I never have. I am on my own. I need sleep....

Let's see...

today has been just like any other day. Woke up, went straight to work and dealt with the same kind of people. However, I managed to get a lot of paper work done.
Sometimes, I feel like I do so much, yet I am getting paid for half the job. I hate that I try not to be a complainer, yet it takes a while for me to finally earn what I should be earning.
Some say take day by day and you will get what you work for. Yet, I am only 20 and I have seen young lives taken away, so each day should be precious right?

I could go on and on how my day went.. but I think I'll just end this post.
xoxo.

When I was little I got a paper plate spilt it into slices, on each slice had a goal, and to my surprise I completed every slice.. I think its time for me to make new slices.

Finally someone serious about getting out of Corpus. I think moving with Allie up there is such a good idea. She is a sweetheart. I grew to love her and her company. She is the type of person I know that will always be there for you.
I've been through a lot of girlfriends. There are those who just didn't cut it without starting drama and then there are those whom I come to realize will be there through thick and thin. i heart Allie.

I talk to Deneise about Austin and she is going to help us out. She is going to give me a number to a guy she knows that help her out finding a apartment and stuff. I can't wait I really can't! I am getting nervous thinking about it.

I love Antone and I hope that one day he will decide to come with me and my new adventure.

I need to start applying at Texas State, UT. and St Edwards. I am suppperrrrrrrrr excited!!!!

Can't Hardly Breath..

I cannot believe he is gone... Losing a friend that is closer than a family member is the hardest thing I had to deal with. I am so glad I got to spend time with him. I'm glad when we didn't see each other for a long time it was easy to pick up where we left. We always had something to talk about. We always had stuff to laugh at. We always could talk and talk.

I miss him. I know he is in a better place now and I know I will see him again one day.. but why Richard?

Sometimes you meet people in your life and become friends for a period of time... but when you loose that friend you want to keep part of your life your heart becomes empty..

On a other note... he worries me. If I were to loose him I'll loose everything. People might see us as something else, but their wrong. We have a friendship that cannot be broken. In fact, its not even a friendship its not romance its beyond words. I might have a boyfriend that I care sooo much about and love, but if anything were to happen to him Ill loose my mind. He might put his guard up to a lot of people but with me he lets me in.. why isn't he letting me in this time?... Is it time to break that bond.. is it time for me to give up on him?.... I am so confused and worried.

I need to get out of corpus. Hopefully Allie is not joking about moving to Austin. That has been my goal since I were little. People always say they are moving there. Austin has become a cliche. For me it means a new life it means a bright future it means getting away from all the negativity in my life...

I have a lot going through my head. being high might take away a lot but when reality comes in what am I suppose to do ?

no title

Wow, I almost forgot I had a blog.
I am so glad a lot of people/events are in my past now. I finally found the word to call my enemies ... insecure. I guess their own drama in their life isn't enough.

On a lighter note,
Antone and I are doing awwwesoomme. I love him as a friend, lover, and a person. I am so glad that our relationship is carefree. Meaning serious but not so serious. Hopefully this year we will finally get our own place to call home.

That is another thing that has been on my mind. I am almost done with school at Del Mar and I need to go look for an University. I am applying for Texas State. I just hope my plans go through. I really do not want to be stuck in Corpus for another year. Corpus is not even that bad of a place. I just want to live in a place where music is active I should say than dead.

My lease was finally up last month. I moved in with my grandparents ("momo & popo") to help them out. Help them out as in keeping them company and just working around the house. So far so good. But, I really miss being on my own. I just feel like a child all over again. I don't like feeling that way at all. I feel like if I'm out too late then its bad thing in reality I'm an adult I shouldn't feel that way. That's why I hope Antone and I or just myself get an apartment. Sometimes I regret not moving in with Jonathan when I had the chance too.

Work has been the same. Hanna left. People are still crazy. I still have not gotten a raise for the crap I put up with. Same O Holiday Inn.
But, I love my job. It is my bread and butter.

I'm going to try to write on my blog more. It is a good way to get my mind off of things even, if its short.